If It's Not One Dam Thing, It's Another.

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan
Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy's response
is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.

(The State's Letter)
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec.20; Montcalm County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that
there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel
of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or
contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and
maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A
review of the Department's files show that no permits have been issued.
Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation
of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being
sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream
locations.
We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be
permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all
activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow
condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream
channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31,
2003. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so
that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.
Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on
the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement
action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price District Representative
Land and Water Management Division

(This is the actual response sent back.)
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I
am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson,
Michigan.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing
and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring
Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I
think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of
natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your
department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place
you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever
match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity,
their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must
first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring PondBeavers ... or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam
request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through The
Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other
applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if
there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of
the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public
Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled
Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is ... aren't the beavers entitled
to legal representation?
The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for
said representation, so the State will have to provide them with a dam
lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams
failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a
natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other
words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing
them and calling them dam names.
If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition, please
contact the beavers, but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did
not pay any attention to your dam letter ... they being unable to read
English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build
their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and
water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and
enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental
Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources
(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers and
I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement
action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be
under the dam ice then, and there will be no way for you or your dam staff
to harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental
quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually
defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the
defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to
investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful
where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being
unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this
response to your dam office.
Thank You,
Ryan DeVries & The Dam Beavers