The Answer At Last. (Or, Dealing Successfully With Women.)

I was inspired by Bob and Tom comedian Greg Warren to dig out this chestnut about the points system. My favorite line from Greg? "How many points did I start out with? I'm losing? I want to transfer my account to your younger sister." Anyway....

After years of research and not-so-successful attempts at figuring out the fairer sex, I have finally compiled a list to help you understand just how life with a woman works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed
+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows
0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets
-1
You leave the toilet seat up
-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty
0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex
-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom
-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings
+5
.....in the snow
+8
.....but return with beer
-5
.....and no liners
-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night
0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing
0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something
+5
You pummel it with a six iron
+10
.....It's her cat
-40
AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party
0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy
-2
Named Tiffany
-4
Tiffany is a dancer
-10
With breast implants
-18
HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday
0
You buy a card and flowers
0
You take her out to dinner
0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar..
+1
Okay, it is a sports bar
-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night
-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team
-10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal
0
The pal is happily married
+1
The pal is single
-7
He drives a Ferrari
-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED)
-15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie
+2
You take her to a movie she likes
+4
You take her to a movie you hate
+6
You take her to a movie you like
-2
It's called Death Cop 3
-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans
-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans
-15
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly
-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it
+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts
-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one, too."
-800
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding
-10
You reply, "Where?"
-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your butt that does it"
-100
Any other response
-20
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression
0
You listen, for over 30 minutes
+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience
+50
Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do?"
-50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV
+100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep
-200
And remember... The shelf life of a positive point is about half a second. The shelf life of a negative point is approximately twice as long as a man's life span.