A Thought For The Day. (Not Mine, Just A Thought.)

My wife and I fight a lot because she says I masturbate too much. I always let her win, though, so I can go masturbate.
--Nick Smith

If that IS his real name.......

Republican Party? Or Communist Party? (It's Your Party, And I'll Cry If I Want To.)

This is from a Reuters article about the economic disparities between the very rich and the working poor. The references to the country have been eliminated. See if it sounds like anyplace you know....maybe even a country you live in.

The public was outraged in 2003 when a driver ran over and killed a pedestrian with her BMW, but was given a light sentence.
The leadership is deeply concerned there could be a wider backlash, threatening a decade of strong economic growth and the Party's grip on power, says an expert at the University of Alberta.
"They have come to the conclusion that ... the regime will not survive if they don't address the growing wealth gap, and more importantly, the perception that the government only cares about economic growth and the urban rich," he said.
YELLOW LIGHT, RED LIGHT
When the late leader ignited the country's market reforms in the late 1970s, he espoused a trickle-down approach, saying: "Let some people get rich first."
Some have become gloriously rich. Next week, the Rich Listwill be unveiled on which the average wealth for the richest top 400 is about $200 million. Seven are billionaires.
To be sure, tens of millions of people have been lifted out of abject poverty since the party came to power.
But the wealthiest 10 percent of urban households now own 45 percent of the urban wealth while the poorest 10 percent have less than 1.4 percent.
The newspaper reported recently that the wealth disparity had reached the "yellow" warning level and could become a "red" danger within five years.
"Social contradictions" are on the rise, it warned.

Sounds like the current economic situation here, and the Republican Party's reactions, doesn't it? Remember Reagan and the trickle-down theory? I think he invented the phrase (ok, maybe one of his advisors--we all know he was taking a nap.)

Nah. It's about China. And our old nemesis, the Communist Party.

At least, I think it is.......

Mrs. JQP's Going Away Party. (Or, Lots Of Love On No Love Thursday; A Report From The Front Lines.)

Many requests have been made of this reporter to recount, analyze and ennumerate the events that transpired this past No-Love Thursday at the going away party for Mrs. JQP (aka Jodi.) I will attempt to recount, through the use of anecdotal reports, bar reciepts, and a slightly hazy recollection, just what the hell went on.

(To get a general idea of the theme of the evening, note my eyes in the first pic, and the grabbing of the maid-of-honor's breast in the 'serious' group shot in the second.)

On second thought....Stories of the road should stay on the road. But a word to the new promotions chick....NEVER institute an open bar with broadcasters, limit them to two drink tickets each, then walk away from the roll containing those tickets. Especially when the bartender is a fan of the stations....has already been tipped well....and gets paid by the hour. He doesn't care how long he works....how many tickets he takes...or how many drinks he pours. Just a pointer.

The party, scheduled for 6 to 8 on a school night, went until 10:30 at the original venue....and then continued in several of the roadhouses and bodegas of this fair city...unfortunately without this reporter, who bowed to the inevitable early morning by going home before 11. (What a drag it is getting old, as the Stones once sang.)

Everyone had a spendid time, by all accounts...and made it home safe and sound...although there are unsubstantiated reports that JQP missed a bit of his morning's appointments the next day....and it took two days for the maid-of-honor to contact me again.

I blame that on her hectic schedule, though. (slight cough...smiles.)

My New Favorite Food. (Next To The Buffalo Chicken Wraps At Spiece.)

PHILLY CHEESE STEAK WRAPS

Recipe:
3 tbsp margarine
2 cups thin onion rings
1 1/2 cups red pepper strips
1 1/2 cups green pepper strips
1/2 tsp garlic salt
2 cups cubed cream cheese
6 oz deli roast beef, cut into strips
6 warm tortillas

Cook the onions and peppers in margarine on med-high for 6-8 minutes. Remove from heat, stir in garlic salt, beef and cheese. Fill tortillas; microwave to heat through if necessary.They're very good, and a much lighter fare for people like me who are trying to watch what they eat!

A Thought For The Day. (Or, Theology From A Cracker Jack Box.)

If The Bible was really meant to be read, I think that:

a) they would have hired editors - at least 85% of it could have been cut, no problem.

b) they would have taken out the awkward phrasings, particularly the 'thou didsts' and the 'thou mayest nots'.

c) they would have planned for a happy ending. No one likes a downer. Bonus points if you leave some wiggle room for a sequel.

I Wanna Rock And Roll All Night. (Advice From Gene Simmons.)

Hey...it ain't Dear Abby, but it just might work....
Couldn't do worse than I am now....
(from Gigwise.com)

Veteran Kiss rocker, Gene Simmons, is offering some pearls of wisdom on how to copulate with numerous ladies and remain happy in a long-term relationship. The key is – get involved with someone that doesn’t mind you bedding women left, right and centre. And maybe even from behind.
Simmons, who claims to have sex with about four and a half thousand women has been with his girlfriend Shannon Tweed for 22 years and thanks his lucky stars that the pair never got married: “I have been happily unmarried for 22 years and we have two great kids but neither of us has dominion. Loving and caring about someone does not mean they have the right to own you. She will mount the milkman if she wants, so relax, why torture each other?”
“I’m the only one I know who has never been divorced. The biggest cause of divorce is marriage.”
Simmons also claims he has never had a complaint from any of the women he has slept with, because of his total honesty. He is quoted on femalefirst.com as saying: “I have not heard a complaint. That’s because I am straight with them. I don’t lie, like most men do. I will tell a girl I want and desire her, but I’ll tell her straight, “I want your sister and your mommy as well.”

Interesting pickup line, that last one......Wonder if it works?

Making Ends Meet. (My Second Job, Or, What I Did This Weekend.)

It's Good For You. (Or, A Guinness Primer.)

I find myself more and more being the old guy at the end of the bar telling stories (not that that's a bad thing....every bar has to have one, and I'd rather do that than drink Jager Bombs and try to puke in the ice machine at O's--right, Stiller?) But it troubles me to see more youthful revelers that don't appreciate the finer things in life, or the traditions that more experienced bar patrons hold dear. With this thought in mind, I present a primer on how to order and drink one of the world's most famous beverages....Guinness Irish Stout. Not for the faint of heart, Guinness on tap used to be available locally only at O'Sullivans. Like so many things, other bars have picked up on the trend, and you can now order Guinness at many alehouses in the area. Grab two pints (see rule number six) and enjoy!


1 Choose your pub carefully. A pint of Guinness does not appreciate loud music, loud people or bright flashing lights. (O's being the exception that proves the rule.)

2 Ask politely for a pint of Guinness. Depending on the pub, it is possible to catch the barmans eye and mouth the word "pint", he will translate this accurately.

3 The barman will fill the glass between 70% and 80% capacity. It will then be put to the side for a few moments to allow it "to settle". Once the brownish liquid has almost turned to a solid black the barman will then fill the rest of the glass. BTW: do not under any circumstances take the glass before it is filled. Some virgins seem to think that the settling stage is the final stage and walk away with an unfinished pint. At this point we DO understand the predicament, but I assure you it causes endless mirth as well. (ed. note--If you're at O's, wait till Floyd makes the shamrock in the top of the pint. Then you'll know it's been topped off properly.)

4 Once you have received your pint, find a comfortable stool or seat, gaze with awe into the deep blackness, raise the pint to your mouth and take a large mouthful. Be firm.

5 A good pint can distinguished by a number of methods. A smooth, slightly off- white head is one, another is the residue left on the inside of the glass. These, surprise surprise, are known as rings. As long as they are there you know your're okay. A science of rings is developing - the instance that comes to mind is determining a persons nationality by the number of rings (a ring is dependent on a swig of Guinness each swig leaving it's own ring). An Irishman will have in the region of 5-6 rings (they pace themselves), an Englishman will have 8-10 rings, an American will have 17-20 (they sip) and an Australian won't have any at all as they tend to knock it back in one go!

6 As you near the end of your pint, it is the custom to order another one. It is a well known fact that a bird does not fly on one wing.

Slainte!!

Rules For Dating My Daughter. (No, You Can't.)

With the news that a BOY is currently interested in my oldest daughter, I have taken a renewed interest in the cleanliness of my handgun, and making sure the sight is properly aligned. Aaron.....you better be careful. I present this clipping from the files....Parts of it don't necessarily apply, but it IS written with the proper spirit in mind.

By the way, Rule Six applies to every female I love...not just my daughter. Consider yourself warned.

Rule One:If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, And I Just Pulled This One Out Of Uranus.

A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to burn some rubber.
When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"
His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."
Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"
"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.
"You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.
"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend."