A Chuckle For The Day.

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

No Wonder Wimpy Was Always Hungry For A Hamburger. (Or, Strange News.)

From the Associated Press.
It's green, leafy and in a can. But it's not spinach. Customs officers report busting a guy trying smuggle pot into the country Popeye-style, stuffed inside of vegetable cans. Customs and Border Protection officers inspected the suspect's truck at a border crossing on the US - Mexico border in Sasabe, Arizona. The customs agents grew suspicious when a vegetable can didn't feel right. Officers opened the can and say they found pot inside. According to officers, marijuana was also found in other cans in the truck and in the hollowed-out sides of an ice chest. Officers say they seized 34 pounds of pot in all. The driver was arrested and turned over to immigration agents.

Hmmmm....Maybe Popeye and Olive should have named the baby Sweet Leaf instead of Sweet Pea..........

It's Thursday...

Thanks to: www.CustomSignGenerator.com

With Apologies To Steve Wariner. (Or, Another Funny Cartoon.)

Hey--I thought it was funny.....

(click on cartoon to enlarge)

From The Mouths Of Babes.

I've seen this before, but it still makes me chuckle.....It's purported to be an actual note given to a pilot on Quantas. Even if it's not, it's still funny.

Set Your Sights High.

Had my first guitar lesson last night. Went well, I think...although I can't help but feel like I'm in kindergarten again. The instructor was impressed that I picked up the correct pitch and tuned my guitar...which was painfully out of tune, having been tuned to itself for the past several months. Three people in last nights class...gonna add one more next week. Got to learn five chords and have them memorized by next week's class...shouldn't be a problem. So far, so good.

What are you doing to improve yourself today? Everybody's gotta have something to strive for....even a goldfish, whose world is limited.....

I know, this happy attitude is a little out of character, but I'm trying to combat the weather (shitty and cold) and my aging (rolling downhill like a snowball headed for hell, as Merle once sang) and keep a positive outlook.

Either that, or I'm going to go to Wal-Mart at 3am and buy some ammunition.....

Stay tuned. Oh, and if you see me smiling with a gun in my hand....

RUN.

Can't be too careful....even though my sight might be set too high. (smiles)

Learn How To Play Guitar. (Or, Thanks For The Advice, Mr. Mellencamp.)

Tonight...I begin guitar lessons. I can play viola well, keyboards poorly, and some percussion well enough to keep the beat (which, if you've hung with many drummers, is often more than can be said for people that actually PLAY the drums.) But although I own an acoustic guitar (and have since the fourth grade,) a decent Alvarez electric guitar (not the 67 Telecaster shown above, but a knock-off in the Strat style,) a nice Ibanez six string bass guitar, and a banjo (don't ask--ok, the banjo belonged to my grandfather, and I rescued it for sentimental reasons) I have NEVER. ONCE. TAKEN A LESSON ON HOW TO PLAY ANY OF THEM. That changes tonight. Time to stop putting off the things I want to do, merely because I don't have the time, money or energy to do them. Not getting any richer, stronger, or less busy. The time to strike is now.

The kids are excited about my taking lessons....they're already envisioning a band...sort of Cream meets the Partridge Family. Not to burst their bubble, but if there was an Eric Clapton lurking inside me, I would think he would have surfaced by now....but at least I'll be able to get up and jam with my friends once I learn the three chords they already know. And that in itself is a victory of sorts. Always learning.....

Celebrating A Milestone. (Or Is That A Millstone? Whatever.)

Thanks to your loyal support, Gentle Readers, I am pleased to announce that readership has grown to the point that i can announce....drum roll please.....

our ONE THOUSANDTH VISITOR!!!!!!

Thanks to your loyal following, Second Grade Online NOW has more subscribers than the News-Sentinel!! (tongue firmly in cheek.)

Raise a glass to yourselves, Gentle Readers, and know how much you mean to me.

Save Money On Lawyers. Make-Your-Own Living Will.

The Terri Schiavo debacle (remember her?) brought to light the importance of having your wishes written down, so no one (family, friends OR the government) has to resort to guesswork to purport to knowing what YOUR last wishes ultimately WERE. In keeping with this reporter's long history of serving the public interest, I now present to you, Gentle Readers, the Do-It-Yourself Living Will Kit! Just clip, fill out, and attatch to the refrigerator with a cute little magnet--cause if you file it, no one will find it till it's too late. Enjoy!


I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
______A Bloody Mary
______A Cold Beer
______A Rum and Coke
______A Martini
______A Vodka on the rocks
______A Steak
______Lobster or crab legs
______My Golf clubs
______The remote control
______A Bowl of ice cream
______The sports page
______Chocolate
______Sex

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

Signature: ___________________________
Date: ___________________________


In all seriousness, a living will IS something to think about. Here's a link to a REAL living will, and more info:
http://www.hcdecisions.org/hcd_forms.pdf