Amazingly Simple Home Remedies.

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blocage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you will be afraid to cough.

And finally, the important rule of life:

You only need two tools: WD 40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD 40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

A Thought For The Day.

Silence is Golden, but Duct Tape is silver.

--Jesse from Oklahoma

A Thought For The Day.

How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.

-- Anne Frank


What in the everlovin' hell are you reading down here for? Isn't an outstanding quote from Anne Frank enough for you? Be inspired, and go do something productive, for cryin' out loud.

A Plan; Darth Maul-ed.

No tickets at either of the local cinemas that fit my schedule, so no review of the new Star Wars movie. Maybe this weekend. Sorry, fellow film fanatics.

Good Job, Scooby-Doo! (Or, A Mystery Solved.)

I wondered why the city of Fort Wayne would have a law, however silly, banning a song--specifically, the song "It's In The Book"(see post just below.) As I'm a walking outhouse of deposited trivia, and I had never heard of the song, I figured it might be an error. Turns out the song is a spoof on the Bible...hardly racy, but possibly unfit for the City of Churches in the more genteel time that was 1952. So without further ado, here is the song that started the furor....

It's In The Booka/k/a Grandma's Lye Soap
by Johnny Standley
(This was a popular comedy skit - and a hit record - in 1952.)

I have a message for you - a very sad message! My subject for this evening will be Little Bo Peep. It says here, "Little Bo Peep" -- who was a little girl -- "has lost her sheep, and doesn't know where to find them." Now that's reasonable, isn't it? It's ... it's reasonable to assume if Little Bo Peep had lost her sheep, it's only natural that she wouldn't know where to find them. That, that basically is reasonable, but, uh, "leave them alone". Now that overwhelms me … completely overwhelms me. The man said she lost her sheep, turns right around and boldly states, "She doesn't know where to find them". And then has the stupid audacity to say, "Leave them alone!" Now! Now, now think for a moment! Think! If the sheep were lost, and you couldn't find them, you'd have to leave them alone, wouldn't you? So, "Leave them alone". "Leave them alone". It's in the book!"Leave them alone and they" -- they being the sheep -- "they will come home". Ah yes, they'll come home. Oh, there'll be a brighter day tomorrow, they will come home! It's in the book."They will come home… a-waggin' their tails…". Pray tell me what else could they wag? "They will come home a-waggin' their tails behind them… behind them!" Did we think they'd wag them in front? Of course, they might have come home in reverse. They could have done that, I really don't know. But, none the less, it's in the book.So now if you will, kindly pick up your books, and turn to page 222. We'll ask you all to sing. You'll find your books on the backs of your seats. Are we ready?Everyone, 222. Let's really enjoy ourselves, let's live it up. All together.
Do you remember grandma's lye soap?
Good for everything in the home,
And the secret was in the scrubbing,
It wouldn't suds and couldn't foam.
Then let us sing right out of grandma's,
of grandma's lye soap
Used for - for everything,
everything on the place,
For pots and kettles, the dirty dishes,
And for your hands and for your face.

So we'll now sing the second verse. Let's get it with great exuberance, let's live it up. It's not raining inside tonight. Everyone, let's have a happy time. Are we ready? All together, the second verse.
Little Herman and brother Thurman
Had an aversion to washing their ears
Grandma scrubbed them with the lye soap.
And they haven't heard a word in years.
Then let us sing right out of grandma's,
of grandma's lye soap.
Sing all out, all over the place.
For pots and kettles, the dirty dishes,
And for your hands and for your face.

Well, let's sing what's left of the last verse. Let's have a happy time, everyone. The last verse, all together. Every one!
Mrs. O'Malley, out in the valley,
Suffered from Ulcers, I understand.
She swallowed a cake of grandma's lye soap,
Has the cleanest ulcers in the land.
Then let us sing right out of grandma's,
of grandma's lye soap.
Sing right out. All over the place.
The pots and - the pots and pans, oh dirty dishes,
And for your hands and for your face.

Sounds to me like something Garrison Keillor would have on A Prarie Home Companion...or that maybe they were smoking the jazzman's reefer...or maybe even a bowl of Grandma's lye soap....I still don't get it.

Why I'm Proud To Be A Hoosier.

Indiana Crazy Laws
Baths may not be taken between the months of October and March.
Mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a tendency to habitually kiss other humans.
State government officials who engage in private duels can be dismissed from their post. (watch out you government employees!)
Drinking from your own bottle in a bar can lead to your arrest.
It is illegal to sell cars on Sunday.
Drinks on the house are illegal.
A person who dyes, stains, or otherwise alters the natural coloring of a bird or rabbit commits a Class B misdemeanor. (Ind. Code 15-2.1-21-13(b)
Grocery stores may not sell any type of cold liquor.
Pedestrians crossing the highway at night are prohibited from wearing tail lights. (WTF??!!)
No one may catch a fish with his bare hands.
You are not allowed to carry a cocktail from the bar to a table. The waiter or waitress has to do it.

Auburn
It is illegal to bike, roller-skate, skateboard, or inline skate in a commercially zoned area. For these offesnses, there is a fine of no more than $5 or the impounding of one's bicycle for a period not to exceed 30 days.

Beech Grove
It is forbidden to eat watermelon in the park.

Elkhart
It is illegal for barbers to threaten to cut off kid's ears.

Evansville
While driving on Main Street you may not have your lights on.

Fort Wayne
You may not sell or play on a radio broadcast, the record "It`s In the Book". (What is this??)

Gary
Within four hours of eating garlic, a person may not enter a movie house, theater, or ride a public streetcar.

South Bend
It is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette.(ummmm... who's tried THIS one?)

Going To Stand In Line At The Theatre? May The Force Be With You (or, A Thought For The Day.)

Do, or do not. There is no 'try'.

-- Yoda ('The Empire Strikes Back')

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith comes out today, but I'm not sure I'm going to try...er, do or do not...to see it. After Jar Jar Binks, Lucas lost me. Didn't even go to the theater to see the last Star Wars installment....but this one looks promising. May try to put the arm on the local cinema manager and sneak in today, so I can pimp the movie on the air if it's good, and ignore it roundly if it's not. Details to follow.

Poor Richard's Almanack (or, A Thought For The Day.)

All human situations have their inconveniences. We feel those of the present but neither see nor feel those of the future; and hence we often make troublesome changes without amendment, and frequently for the worse.

--Benjamin Franklin

Ol' Ben is trying to tell us 'meant to be, meant to be'-- so don't screw it up by upsetting the apple cart, to mix a metaphor. I'm trying to remember that as I go through my day-to-day struggles right now.

Stiller gave me a copy of Benjamin Franklin's autobiography to read....Ol' Ben was the Edison, Einstein, Joseph Pulitzer, John F. Kennedy and P. Diddy (all rolled into one) of his time...statesman, politician, inventor, printer, merchant, guitar player (and instructor) and quite the ladies man.

Maybe if i was bald and wore those funky half-moon glasses, I'd get more play....

Mixing It With Love.

We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams.

--Willy Wonka

We are also the music schedulers, or at least the music schedulers in training. Hence the slowness of posts....the computer is being used for more noble (or at least potentially profitable) pursuits. The last time I attempted this particular facet of my career was 14 years ago...I can tell cause my oldest daughter was a newborn (and my youngest was not yet conceived) when I started working at the last place I had to schedule music.

I KNOW music...making it appear on paper (and on your favorite station) is harder to grasp. But knowledge is power, as Schoolhouse Rock taught us, and this newly acquired skill will serve me--if not here and now, then when i push a button on the Great Glass Elevator and get transported somewhere else at some point in the future.

By the way, in case you couldn't tell, I love "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory." Great story, well told. Roald Dahl was a brilliant writer, and the movie is delightful (God, I sound like Roger Ebert here.)
Oh by the way...an aside, as well--for fans of movies, as well as the creatively bankrupt asshats in Hollywood that re-make them:

GENE WILDER IS WILLY WONKA.
Johnny Depp couldn't carry a cup of Gene Wilder's warm piss.
You can't improve on perfection.
Nuff said on that.

"Good day, sir!"

Thoughts For The Day.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

--Groucho Marx

When life hands you lemons, say "Lemons? I like lemons! What else you got?"

--Anonymous

Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards.

--Robert Heinlein

How glorious it is-and also how painful-to be an exception.

--Alfred De Musset


Just like the Sunday paper....more content, and different sections.