A Thought For The Day.

What's wrong with getting older? For instance, 36 years old is a signifigant milestone, because at 36 you can sleep with someone half your age and not go to jail.

--Anonymous

A Thought For The Day.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

--From the back of a Hooters wet-nap package

Big, Moist, Meaty Breasts.

That was the special today at Hooters, where my sainted grandma (90 years young in July) and I enjoyed a lunch. She had seen the sign in the past, and always asked me what that restaurant was...so I finally decided to take her to see for herself. The guys (and the Hooters girls) got a kick out of her, as she ordered the grilled chicken breast lunch special with free fries. I had the chicken strips, hot, with bleu cheese dressing and fries. While she took in the ambience, looking at all the TV screens, neons, and signs, I enjoyed the more traditional Hooters scenery as well. Finally our delightful waitress, Rachel, brought our food. We ate, and afterward, Grandma declared it to be 'very good. I'd go there again'. Great! I can go to Hooters with my grandma anytime I want!

Life is good.

A Thought For The Day.

Solomon, when he said there was nothing new, meant also there were no new literary styles under the sun, either.

-- Mark Twain, quoted in Twenty Years in Europe by Samuel H. M. Byers

This quote seems to vindicate the fact that more often than not, I have nothing original or unique to write here. If Samuel L. Clemens had trouble finding subject matter, who am I to worry about it?

A Thought For The Day.

"A cynic is not merely one who reads bitter lessons from the past; he is one who is prematurely disappointed in the future."

-- Sydney J. Harris

Be Careful What You Wish For.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?""I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.
Short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That willbe $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and the waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found and old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
Then, the waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Better than Jerking Your Chicken.

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex.
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes...something his wife hadn't seen in many years!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of he Jamaican's hips.The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!!!!

The Essence of Cajun Lovin'.

A Cajun fireman came home from work on day and said to his wife;

Y'know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at defire station. Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.

From now on, when I says "Bell One" I want you to strip naked. When I says "Bell Two" you jump on de bed. When I says "Bell Tree" we's gonna mek love all tru denight.

The next night he came home and shouted "Bell One" and she stripped naked. "Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed. "Bell Tree" and they started to make love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled out "Bell Four" What de hell is "Bell Four"? he asked. She replied: "Roll out more hose. You ain't no where near de fire"

Run For The Roses.

An associate (Mr. JQP) and I spent part of Saturday afternoon (after I got out of work) at the local Off Track Betting parlor, watching the 131st Kentucky Derby. The Derby, for those who don't understand the allure, is like banging a supermodel....hours of anticipation, leading to two minutes of actual action. But I love horses, so I went to fellowship with my friend, and watch a lot of pissed off people lose wads of cash as the 50-1 shot won the race. Giacomo? Owned by Jerry Moss, the M in A&M Records (Herb Alpert's old music partner.) Named after Sting's kid (true.) WTF kind of horse is that?

At least I got an 'official' Kentucky Derby glass when I ordered a mint Julep. But you would think that an OTB parlor affiliated with the hallowed Churchill Downs organization would know how to make a Mint Julep the proper Way. Hint: DO NOT put frickin' Green Creme De Menthe in the cup....makes it look like you're drinking Scope. A real mint julep has spearmint leaves, bourbon, simple syrup, and bourbon. That's it. If you're gonna cheat and use a mix and Creme De Menthe, at least use the white stuff so the drink doesn't look like something you'd order at fucking McDonalds. Jeez.

Some thoughts on the Derby in general:

The Kentucky Derby is the world's most famous horse race. In 1780 Sir Charles Bunbury and the Earl of Derby promoted a race at Epsom Downs in England. They flipped a coin and the Earl of Derby won. Otherwise, we'd be having the Kentucky Bunbury.

All that pageantry and tradition... You’re still losing money—but with class!

I didn't bet...so I didn't lose. JQP bet this month's rent....and almost picked one horse to show. Not many winners in the crowd at all....about 2000 people in the place, and about 15 at the winner's window. Maybe next year they can take some of the profits to buy some white creme de menthe --or dump it altogether, hire some real bartenders and make a damn julep the right way.

A Thought For The Day.

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats."

-- Albert Schweitzer

Guess that explains why I'm only happy some of the time....I hate cats. (I'm allergic.)