For Tuna.

It was three years ago today that I got the phone call that my good friend and co-worker 'Tuna" Jon Rose had passed away in the night. Many people had many kind things to say about my partner in production, but what I will always remember about him, aside from his belief in God and his skill at the bass guitar, was his sense of humor. In all the years I knew him, I almost never saw him angry...and seldon saw him cross. I attribute that to the underlying current of goodness the man had....and to his quirky sense of wit.

Tuna loved a good pun, as I've recounted here in the past....and would, in fact, call me anytime--day or night--to recount a particularly good (or bad) groaner he'd stumbled across. In honor of my friend, here are some puns, gathered from various sources. Tuna would have laughed. I hope you find at least a chuckle here.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding-- A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

And this classic--one of my favorites.....
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Another Chuckle For The Day.

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone." The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"

It's A Sand In My Shoes Wednesday. (Or, Let's Saddle Up Mr. Twain And Ride Into The Sunset.)

A little of this.......


keeps you from ending up like this....

The Camel News Caravan. (Please, No Hump Jokes.)

--From news reports.
Memo to robbers: If you disguise yourself as a Smurf, make sure you wipe behind your ears afterward. Anchorage police said a man painted his face and tried to rob a hotel, but was arrested when officers spotted residual blue stains on his neck, ears and forehead.Daniel Peter Clark, 19, is charged with robbery and assault.Anchorage police Lt. Paul Honeman said a clerk at the Super 8 Motel said a man with a blue face walked in and asked for money at 6:30 a.m. on Saturday. When the clerk said no, the man pulled out a knife.The clerk retreated into a hotel office and locked the door and the suspect fled on foot, Honeman said.

WTF?????

AND.......



You can still use a stun gun on children in Florida......
A pair of bills that would prohibit police and others from using stun guns on children 16 or younger are in trouble after their sponsor failed to appear before a legislative committee Tuesday.The Senate Education Committee postponed the bills and chairwoman Evelyn Lynn, R-Ormond Beach, said she was unsure whether they would be brought up again. The bills were filed after police officers drew criticism for using stun guns against children, including an elementary school pupil.

Whew...That's a relief. For a minute, i thought they were going to try to take my constitutional right to zap the shit out of random kids away from me....Thank god cooler heads prevailed.

Where do these things come from?!?

Meant To Be. Meant To Be. (Or, When One Door Closes, Another One Opens.)

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.
To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."Stunned, the man leaves.

Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks pa st a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day.

By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck. At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying thetomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him. By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."

Three morals to this story:
One-- Don't waste so much time on the Internet.
Two--Since you're reading this online, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.
Three-- Just because an opportunity doesn't work out the way you hoped for, doesn't mean it isn't working out in your best interests. As I've long said, "Meant to be, meant to be." Everything happens for a reason......

The Answer At Last. (Or, Dealing Successfully With Women.)

I was inspired by Bob and Tom comedian Greg Warren to dig out this chestnut about the points system. My favorite line from Greg? "How many points did I start out with? I'm losing? I want to transfer my account to your younger sister." Anyway....

After years of research and not-so-successful attempts at figuring out the fairer sex, I have finally compiled a list to help you understand just how life with a woman works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed
+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows
0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets
-1
You leave the toilet seat up
-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty
0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex
-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom
-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings
+5
.....in the snow
+8
.....but return with beer
-5
.....and no liners
-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night
0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing
0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something
+5
You pummel it with a six iron
+10
.....It's her cat
-40
AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party
0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy
-2
Named Tiffany
-4
Tiffany is a dancer
-10
With breast implants
-18
HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday
0
You buy a card and flowers
0
You take her out to dinner
0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar..
+1
Okay, it is a sports bar
-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night
-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team
-10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal
0
The pal is happily married
+1
The pal is single
-7
He drives a Ferrari
-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED)
-15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie
+2
You take her to a movie she likes
+4
You take her to a movie you hate
+6
You take her to a movie you like
-2
It's called Death Cop 3
-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans
-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans
-15
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly
-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it
+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts
-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one, too."
-800
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding
-10
You reply, "Where?"
-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your butt that does it"
-100
Any other response
-20
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression
0
You listen, for over 30 minutes
+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience
+50
Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do?"
-50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV
+100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep
-200
And remember... The shelf life of a positive point is about half a second. The shelf life of a negative point is approximately twice as long as a man's life span.